Im not strong enough...

....I once heard this quote, that said:

"If you want to make God laugh, Tell him your plans"

Pretty deep, huh?

Well, Unfortunetly, I wasnt trying to humor God..

You know the Bible say's not to boast about tomorrow,
because we dont know what tomorrow will bring...

Maybe i talked too much back then about tomorrow.
I was so busy being so happy, and so excited, and so into the moment,
Maybe i wasnt supposed to talk about the days ahead....

Maybe i thought ahead too much?
Maybe i spoke too soon....

So many things i think about every second of every day. It never fails that i have a million things on my mind.

From the time i open my eyes, all through-out the day, untill late at night when im laying in bed...

You cant imagine the thoughts i have.

And this time change, doesnt help things much.

The days are longer, the sun goes away sooner, it gets dark at 5. The seconds last for minutes, and the minutes last for hours, and the hours? They feel like days.

And as for the weather, it's cold. I dont like cold weather.

You know.... I am 25 years old.. And for as long as i can remember, i've been through alot. I've been through so much, that i've actually learned to block out many moments in my life.

But never, have i ever, been through something like this. I cant even describe to you what it feels like....

And i keep trying to remind myself that there are bigger problems in this world, people go through worse things every day of life..

I keep reminding myself of the people in this world who have lost loved ones, or my sister's, who have had miscarriages, can you imagine how they felt? And if they can get through it, you can too Charity.

That's what i tell myself.. If they can do it, so can you.

If they can fake a smile on their worst day's, then so can you....

That's what i tell myself..

I used to think that I was so strong... I can get through anything, and i can praise God through every storm, I can come out of this untouched..

But all of a sudden........... Im weak.

I feel like i cant over come anything. I feel like i cant do anything. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I have to make myself take a shower and get dressed (yeah yeah i know we all do)- But i have to make myself, do these things.

I dont even want to open my eyes in the morning, and when i do, i just wanna go back to sleep.. And i keep waiting, just waiting, to wake up from this nightmare... I keep thinking to myself, Alright, God, The Jokes over, Everyone can come out now and say "GOTCHA!!!" ...But it doesnt happen.

And as for people saying it get's better... When? When does it get better? It doesnt feel better yet.. I know time heals all wounds, well with this ungodly time-change, i should have enough time in two days for these wounds to heal.. (joke, yeah not really "haha" funny, but... okay im sure you understand the dry humor)

And i tell myself every day, tomorrow is gonna be the day that your gonna be okay, tomorrow YOU are going to wake up and be happy, TOMORROW is going to be the day that your going to wake up without a worry, and not think about anything.. But every day.... I wake up... And those days, they dont come.


And then the millions and millions and millions of thoughts, every second, of every minute.

What is wrong with Me?

Is this even normal?

And Mom say's Charity.. You have to have faith in God, and the funny thing is, I DO........ I do have faith in God, my hope is in God, all day long, but i, my own worst enemy, some how, i, am tormented, i am struggling. I am not as strong as i thought i was. I am not the person i thought i was.

I dont even know who i am.
I dont even know who i was?
I dont even know who i will wake up and be tomorrow.

Honestly,
Im losing my mind.
And when i say this, it's not just a phrase, or a figure of speech, little by little, every day, i am losing my mind.

Every day i ask God for peace, and in the midst of it all, i feel that spark of peace, in my spirit... But before i know it, my doubt, and everything else, puts out that spark.

See this?

This is why, i do not sit in my room alone, lol, look at me, millions of thoughts, and i could go on and on and on and on and on.

And the strange thing is, nobody understands it. Nobody can feel what im feeling. Nobody can help me right now..... I've never felt so alone in my entire life, and i know im not alone in the physical sense, im surrounded by people, but i am alone. In my own little head. I am alone.

And i have no answers, nobody can give me any answers.


All i can say is God must think something of Me, to put me through something like this... I better see a rainbow after this storm.... (and a pot of gold too! because unfortunetly, after all of the making of my big plans, and quitting my main source of income, i dont have a dime to my name, and i have a big stupid phone bill left on me too...)

Yeah buddy, You wanna make God laugh, Tell him your plans.

Im gonna shut up now.

Listen to this song.

And if you can remember to..
Please Pray For Me.